Jeff, a nefarious teenage boy.
Representative only.
Am I the bad guy for refusing to go on a family trip unless they disinvite my nephew’s friend?
I (43M) am really close to my family, consisting of my siblings, their spouses, their kids, and my parents. Every year we go on a vacation this time of year for two weeks, and come back right before Christmas. We are supposed to leave a week from today.
I am the divorced, single, sole parent to my daughter (15F). She jokingly calls herself a nerd; she’s weird, she’s quirky, she likes anime and video games and Star Wars, the whole stereotypical nerd thing. She does get picked on at school, but since leaving middle school and growing up a little more she started taking it better, and mostly it stopped.
This one boy, who I will call Jeff (16M, presumably) and is coincidentally my nephew’s (who is also sort of an AH) best friend, is an absolute nightmare. I’ve talked to the school, we’ve had meetings with his parents, she’s switched around classes extensively, but he still goes out of his way to pick on Emily. She has told me herself that she can deal with name calling, but it doesn’t stop there. He messes with her hair, damages her clothes, ruins her things, like this kid is a full fledged nightmare. They even got into a fight that they were both suspended for last year because he stole her backpack and put it into a full toilet in the boys' bathroom.
When I was discussing plans with my sister, she brought up needing to buy Jeff clothes. When I realized he was going on the trip, I actually almost lost it. I told her admittedly without thinking that we weren’t going, and she began begging me, talking about tradition and family and blah blah. I said no, I’ll eat my portion of the cost, but we are not going. After a longer conversation, I said I’ll go if they disinvite Jeff.
We are well off and we are lucky to have grown up in a financially stable home with parents who are attentive and supportive, and for our kids to have done the same. Jeff was not that lucky. He lives in a really unstable environment both financially and emotionally. This was apparent to me from the meetings with his parents, as his father did not care and his mother blamed my daughter for being evil; and these were multiple, separate meetings. This is awful, and I’m sorry that Jeff or any child has to go through that, but I told my sister that my position still stands.
The conversation went back and forth, mostly just her throwing excuses. Jeff has divorced parents, he grew up differently than us, maybe it’s just a crush (ew), so on and so forth. When I reminded her of the fight, she said “I know, but Jeff needs this”. She mentioned how he needed a break from his toxic home life, and I respect that, but why does that mean I have to put my daughter in a house with her tormentor for two weeks?
I told her I wasn’t changing my mind and went home. Now there is pure chaos. My family is split, my parents are begging me to go, I’m getting texts near constantly. My daughter told me she’s not going if Jeff is going. She had a full blown panic attack over it. Maybe I’m looking for validation, or maybe I really need a wake up call and I’m just a selfish bad guy.
UPDATE: TL;DR Jeff is not going on the trip, and per my daughter’s request, we’re still going.
Night before last my three siblings, their spouses, and my parents all gathered at my sister’s house to talk this through. I, very immaturely, sort of walked in with a mild attitude. I knew I wasn’t going to change my mind, I felt like this was a waste of time, but my daughter keeps expressing to me how badly she wants to go on the trip, so I went.
It started off with my sister and my mom crying and just asking me to go but that got shut down really fast by pretty much everyone else. My sister expressed that she just felt so bad for Jeff. Again, he’s lower class with a mother who treats him like a baby and a father that doesn’t care. She mentioned that Jeff and Emily have been polite to each other in the presence of family, and figured they were getting over their "issues". I did find out that the waiver he was on extended to his tuition, despite being told that it was for his uniforms and school supplies, so my apologies on an incorrect comment I made. Regardless, she was trying to convince me and my entire family to allow Jeff to come. I really do get it, and I am a person who can experience empathy, sometimes to a fault, but for the millionth time, my empathy towards Jeff and his situation does not overpower my need to protect my daughter. As her only parent, it is literally my duty to make sure she is safe, and this is not safe. Thanks to a comment, I did say “My daughter does not feel safe around Jeff,” to which my brother in law, the sister in question’s husband, replied “well that settles it.”
The only adult who wanted Jeff to go was my sister. The only people who wanted me to compromise and go and ignore Jeff were my mother and sister in law. Everyone else was adamant that Jeff did not go. No one knew he was invited, and it wasn’t until I sent in the group chat that I would not be attending because of Jeff’s presence that anyone, including my sister’s husband, knew Jeff was going.
My father, who is actually a therapist, has been ridiculously supportive through this whole thing. He explained his reasonings for not wanting Jeff there besides the obvious. My nephew mentioned to him that Jeff does like Emily, and if his mindset is as dysfunctional as we are led to believe, he’s not currently capable of expressing that to Emily in a healthy way.
(Note: My sister tried to I-told-you-so me about the crush but I literally laughed at her. I really honestly don’t care if he has a crush on my daughter. He’s so awful to her. She takes it like a champ, she holds her head up high, and I’m so proud of her for that, but that doesn’t change the fact that Jeff has been so sincerely awful to her that it makes me sick.)
It was ultimately decided that Jeff was not going. I did tell her that she was doing a great thing by trying to help this boy, but her niece came before him in this situation. I brought up that Jeff might retaliate against Emily for being disinvited, so we did come up with a plan, sort of. My nephew had to tell him at school the next day that Jeff was no longer invited because he didn’t want him and Emily to get into a fight. I thought that was a dumb plan, I’m not going to lie, but as long as the blame was off of Emily I didn’t care.
We left for the night, both Emily and I hugged my sister, she apologized, it was generally okay. I’m still frustrated with her for trying to be this boy’s savior at the risk of my daughter, and we have yet to have that conversation, but I’m sure it will come with time. My mother told Emily that she was sorry for seemingly wanting to subject her to Jeff, and she didn’t mean to come off that way; she simply wanted us to come. I am still frustrated with my mom, but again, a conversation to come with time. I told my daughter not to get her hopes up, because part of me still didn’t believe that Jeff was really not going to go, but we proceeded with cautious optimism. In the meantime I spoke with my lawyer friend who did advise me not to go on the trip if Jeff was going, and not to speak to him or his parents directly. No problem there, I had resigned to not going and I had no interest in talking to anyone. Additionally, my sister’s husband and I had a long talk about how he was really disappointed in her for this. That’s not my business, but I was happy that he was still as fiercely protective of my daughter as I always thought he was.
I have to give my nephew props, because he took the news well, although he was disappointed. He understands that what Jeff does is wrong, but I’m still not really sure why he puts up with it besides that he’s a teenager who doesn’t want to lose his friend.
So, this leads us to last night. Emily shows me a message from my nephew that just says “so Jeff backed out” and that’s it. Get this: Jeff didn’t know that Emily was going. My nephew went to tell him what was up and he got as far as saying “Emily is going to be there” before Jeff backed out. I spoke to my nephew who said Jeff just got weird and said he couldn’t go, and they left it at that. Jeff seemed disappointed, and I do feel sorry for him, but again, my daughter comes first to me. My brother in law only sent me laughing emojis.
Initially I was still not sure if I’d go because a lot of peoplesuggested I should not go on principle. With that being said, my daughter said she’d rather go on this trip, even after I tried to suggest we do something else. So now we’re going. Yay.
That’s really it. Sorry it’s so long, and I wish it was more exciting, but it is not. I tried to put emphasis on the conversation with my family because that was the important part, but even then we were just standing around my sister’s kitchen talking, no big confrontation or anything.
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